Poem: His Great Undoing

(A sort of Sampson and Delilah?)

Cried Samuel McGee to Delia his wife,

“Thou ornery tart, lay off with the knife,

For you’ll not be a-trimming my great gnarly bush, 

For the bush makes a man, and a man you’ll not push.  

I’ve an acre of thicket, that spreads o’er me nubs.

I’ve a blackforest ham that looms in the shrubs.

And if ya don’t like it, there’s plenty who do,

Ya shrew of a woman, ya vex me anew!”

Quoth Delia his wife, “Go off with ya, then,

To your whore in the town, if she’ll have you again.

It’s too great a bush! It clogs at my throat,

I have to drop breadcrumbs to find me way out.

It’s musty and mildy and reeking of skunk.

It’s seepy and weepy and matted with spunk.

Yet atop your dim head, you be  bald as an egg.

If ya walked upside down, I might take you to bed.”

“Ya hateful old bitch!” cried Samuel McGee.

Your wish is my oath, and I’ll rid you of me.”

And he dashed to the stable to saddle his mare,

But she pinched as he turned, and procured but a hair,

A single black hair, from his backside that fled

And she pinned the lone hair to the foot of her bed.

Unknowing, he rode to his lass in the town.

Every furlong he passed was a furlong unwound.

And reaching his mark, he sprang through the door,

“Ahoy, little wench, aye, ya saucy young whore,

I’ve a hogshead for thee, and a hectare about!”

And he pulled down his breaches, but what petered out

But a wee shrunken piglet, pink, nude, and blind

Blinked at the lady. And the lady declined.

“Get your bald little wiggler on back to your mate.

If it’s nudeness I craved, then I’d straddle your pate.”

So humbled, he mounted his dutiful mare

And plodded on home while he gathered his hair

In a great twining spool o’er meadow and heath,

Till he stood before Delia, a-flossing her teeth.

“So soon are you back? You look a might thin.”

And she put up the back of her hair with the pin.

And seizing his bundle, she rose from the bed,

And she plopped the great bush on his sorrowful head.

“Much better!” cried she, “there’s my blackforest ham!

Now get in this bed, you great fool of a man!”