Sunday, September 8, 2013

The Tewksbury Pudding

It was my great misfortune to attend a dinner prepared by the Countess of Northumberland. When my fever broke three days later, I scribbled this on my privy wall:

The Tewksbury Pudding

Oh, the Tewksbury Pudding’s a dreadful dessert.
Just a bite of the stuff, and your prostate will hurt.
Your liver will swell, and your colon will squirt,
And you’ll blow a brown stain up the back of your shirt.

Yes, the Tewksbury Pudding’s a terrible treat.
They say it’s a bread, but you’ll swear it’s a meat.
And it’s hardly a thing for a Christian to eat.
It'll shrivel the ends of your grandmother's teats.

It chews like placenta, but oily and black.
If you see one outside, tie it up in a sack.
You can give it away, but it always comes back.
‘Cuz it tastes like the drip from a camel toe’s crack.

It's evil, immoral, and bad to the core.
And it’s cursed with a smell I find hard to ignore.
It’ll blow out your ass, but you’ll ask for some more.
Why, I shared one last week with a two-dollar whore.

It's a blasphemous dish with a god-awful stink.
It enlarges the heart, but your penis will shrink.
When you're done shitting blood, well, you’ll need a stiff drink.
Jesus Christ, light a match, hit the fan, clean the sink!

The Tewskbury Pudding is banned where I’m from
For it tastes like a turd that’s been sprinkled with rum.
Open wide, hold your nose, plug your ass with your thumb!
In the wink of an eye, your hair pie will go numb.

It'll cripple your gut with intestinal flu.
It'll ripple your twat like a fleshy kazoo.
Throw your hands to the sky and ask God what to do!
Make the sign of the cross even though you’re a Jew.

--Arthur Greenleaf Holmes, 1588

1 comment:

  1. when this came onI am quite glad I was not driving,it had me on the floorboards writhing.

    with your wit you do not fail to impress because down the highway my lungs it did compress.

    but it was not anguish that caused this repetative knocking on the walls of my chest, but incessant laughter at the hilarity of your jest :)